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Sigfiles Rock!Signature files, a.k.a. sigfiles, are an excellent self-expression tool. Don't get me wrong, they ain't exactly profound discourse on life, unless you happen to be a poet who specializes in haiku or really short stories. I like them because they are a snippet of your humor, your preference for wit, your unshamefacedness, and/or your bad poetry. I've had quite a few sigfiles since I started using the internet seriously back in 1994. Here's a list of what's been used by me, organized from oldest to youngest. Yes, I know that these aren't original. I trolled most of them from other sites similar to this one. There are a few original Bill-works mixed in here, so Nyeah. An excellent source of quotes which you might want to use is the A Word A Day email sent by http://wordsmith.org. I get it almost more for the quotes at the end than the word included. "Keep your words soft and sweet, lest ye be forced to eat them." Pillow + Snake = NO |
Bill Ruhsam / \
Mechanical Engineer -<{ C }>-
X-Manager of the Pep Band \ / And We spake saying, "Let there
Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute | be Caldwell." And there was.
ruhsaw@rpi.edu And We saw that it was good.
E = mc^2 Einstein
COPENHAGEN, Denmark (AP) - Danish researchers say they've found that men, on average, have about 4 billion more brain cells than women, but they haven't figured out what men do with them. Sturgeon's Law: 90% of Everything is Crap. "Sure, 90% of science fiction is crud. That's because 90%
of everything is crud."
Keep honking, I'm reloading. From the Annals of Engineering Notation:
Eh? --Contributed Quote
From "Murphy's Laws of War":
"Against stupidity, the very Gods fight in Vain."
Death is something you can do nothing about. Nothing at all.
But youth is a quality, and if you have it, you never lose it."
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. "He that studies books will know how things ought to be;
and he who studies people will know how they are."
"War is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The
decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling
which thinks that nothing is worth war is much worse. The
person who has nothing for which he is willing to fight,
nothing which is more important than his own personal
safety, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being
free unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men
than himself."
"It is necessary for technical reasons that these warheads
should be stored with the top at the bottom, and the bottom
at the top. In order that there may be no doubt as to which
is the top and which is the bottom, for storage purposes, it
will be seen that the bottom of each head has been labeled
with the word TOP."
"We have not succeeded in answering all of our problems - indeed, we have not completely answered any of them. The answers we have found have only served to raise a whole new set of questions. In some ways we feel we are as confused as ever, but we think we are confused on a much higher level about more important things."
,_____ . . |>>
\\ . . |
0 // . . |
\-\ . . |
| | . . . . |
/ | . . . . |
/ . | . ......o |
"Surely, you can't be serious?"
Friends help friends move.
"Math is an ugly thing, but not the ugliest of things. The
decayed and degraded state of moral and patriotic feeling
which thinks that nothing is worth math is much worse. The
person who has nothing for which he is willing to integrate,
nothing which is more important than his own personal
notes, is a miserable creature and has no chance of being
cum laude unless made and kept so by the exertions of better men
than himself."
Look, don't touch.
"Proofreading is more effective after publication" OXOXOXOXOXOX
From Officer's Fitness Reports:
"Don't explain computers to laymen. Simpler to explain sex to a virgin."
There is a fly that lives its entire lifespan above a hot spring in Wyoming between the altitudes of 2 inches and 2 feet. If all else fails, immortality can be always be assured by
spectacular error.
Adventure is someone else, in deep shit, far far away. A brave man is one who survives his own stupididty;
For yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of engineering, I will fear no math. Lt: "If we do happen to step on a mine, sir, what do we do?"
Dear Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I
cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot
accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people
I had to kill today because they pissed me off, and also,
help me to be careful of the toes I step on today, as
may be connected to the ass I may have to kiss tomorrow.
"If you'd wanted sugar and cream, why'd you ask for coffee?" Drool-proof paper:
/--------------o------------------\ |Bill Ruhsam | "Without you, | |Member | your life would | |C*A*A*D | have no meaning."| |--------------o------------------o |Caldwell Auto-Anti-Defenestrators| \---------------------------------/ "Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film." Why do chicken coops have two doors?
"The best armor is to keep out of range." Graduate of the Darth Vader school of personnel management. "The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're
going to be when you kill them."
"Physics is to mathematics what sex is to masturbation."
"Interfere? Of course we'll interfere. Always do what you're
best at, I say."
All I want is a warm bed, a kind word and unlimited power If you're not part of the solution, you're the precipitate. Radioactive halibut will make fission chips. "I'd give my left arm to be ambidextrous." Vote YES on prop. 427: "Voters for Naked Jello Wrestling in Congress." Nine out of ten dentists agree that four out of five doctors are morons. EMS faq: (http://www.bahnhof.se/~sk/Medical/EMSFAQ1.html)
Two nuns were driving home one dark stormy night when suddenly, WHAM! A vampire lands right on the hood of their car. His eyes are gleaming yellow and his razor-sharp fangs dripping with blood. The nun who is driving screams to the other nun, "SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS!" so the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "GET THE HELL OFF THE HOOD OF THIS CAR!" A little bit of uh huh and a whole lot of oh yeah. A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. "C++" should have been called "D" (A)bort, (R)etry, (P)retend this never happened... A penny for your thoughts; $20 to act it out. All things are green unless they are not. Cause of crash: Inadvertent contact with the ground. Delivered by Electronic Sled-Dogs...Woof! Warning: Written by a highly caffeinated mammal. Don't play stupid with me! I'm better at it. "If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap." Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. It's OK to let your mind go blank, but please turn off the sound. 2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action. Early Bird may get the worm,
One Ring to rule them all,
Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. A diagnostic is someone who doesn't know whether there are two gods. Here's to the sun God,
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." The best accelerator available for a Mac is one that causes it to go at 9.8 m/s^2 Error #152 - Windows not found: (C)heer (P)arty (D)ance "Push to test."
"Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit." - John S. Nichols Hit any user to continue. "Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?" The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all of the bad girls live. Atom #1: How are you doing today?
Hammer: A device originally employed as a weapon of war, now used as a sort of divining rod to locate expensive parts in the proximity of those we are attempting to strike. Do better next time. After all, that's what life is about. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Are people more violently opposed to fur rather than leather because it's much easier to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs? It's not how far you fall, but how high you bounce. Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
A diva who specializes in risque arias is an off-coloratura soprano Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. The three laws of thermodynamics:
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading this sort of trash. Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. Lewis's Law of Travel: The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever. "Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really
overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene
language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the
judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when
addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, no one we know belongs.
FOUND: One graduate student mind. In shitty condition. $50 or best offer. The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve these problems when called upon. However, When you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. Rhode's Law:
Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. pi seconds is a nanocentury.
The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and
religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging
from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its
yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
world put together.
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus town
cat /etc/passwd >list
ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
santa claus town
who | grep sleeping
who | grep awake
who | egrep 'bad|good'
for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun. The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's": Incident Blotter; 5 Dec 98 DES MOINES, Iowa.
Identification was missing. The police are searching for the owners of these components. Anyone with info- rmation relating to this incident should call the Memorial Hospital. I could crush him like an ant. But it would be too easy. No - revenge
is a dish best served cold. I'll bide my time until...Oh,
what the hell, I'll just crush him like an ant.
"Why did the chicken cross the road?"
You might be an engineer if:
It is possible to get the majority of electoral votes without getting the majority of popular votes. Anyone who can ever understand how this works gets to be president. The three-letter airport identifier for Sioux City, Iowa, under attack by state officials, will be changed. The Federal Aviation Administration has agreed that SUX is an unacceptable abbreviation for the facility. Four peregrine falcon chicks will be raised at the University of Waterloo and then released locally. They are expected to eat pigeons and other small birds. This is part of a Canada-wide effort to increase the number of endangered species. "... it is important to realize that any lock can be picked with
a big enough hammer."
"A language is a dialect with an army and a navy." -- Max Weinreich "Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a
million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare."
HEADLINE! "Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake." Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more.
A conscience does not prevent sin. It only prevents you from enjoying it. Chess players mate better I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof! I think. Therefore I am DANGEROUS. I'm not a complete idiot - several parts are missing. In case of Emergency, Break Glass. Scream. Bleed to death. Eat right, exercise daily, live clean, die anyway. I have the heart of a child. I keep it in a jar. A girl criticized my apartment so I knocked her flat. Having a Smoking Section in a restaurant is a little like having a Peeing Section in a pool! Benji! Don't run out onto the road! Ben--=$.d^%$(#& NO TERRIER Never knock on Death's door. Ring the bell and run! Death hates that. Two wrongs are only the beginning. If you're thinking what I'm thinking, I'm ashamed of you. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week. ----Theorem: All numbers are interesting----
Note: can you find the mistake in this proof? or an uninteresting number? "The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his." First rule at a rock gig - if you see a pyro tech running, keep up. "Engineering is the stuff of compromise. It's almost like politics, but with a lousier sense of fashion." "What is best in life? To crush my enemies. To see them driven before me.
And to hear the lamentation of their women!"
#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) - Shakespeare. A)bort, R)etry, P)ee in drive door Never let your willpower get the best of you. Why, how kind of you to come rub elbows briefly with the peons ... Ever find yourself posting messages just to show off your taglines? I think we're in for a bad spell of wether. UR 2 Good 2 Me 2 Be 4 Got == 10 The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette. Alex, I'll take "Things Only I Know" for $1000. Diagonally parked in a parallel universe. The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word f**k... It is more fun contemplating someone else's navel
than your own.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo! If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? "Being a graduate student is never having to say `I have dignity and self respect'" --M.F. Terman Better to have one freedom too many, than to have one freedom to few. "When a problem comes along, you must whip it!" -Devo "The major difference between a thing that might go wrong and a thing that cannot possibly go wrong is that when a thing that cannot possibly go wrong goes wrong it usually turns out to be impossible to get at or repair."
"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." "It's amazing how many people in this world are born at third base, and think they've hit a triple." The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. -- Franklin P. Jones Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened. I think, therefore I'm paid Another month ends
There is nothing wrong with being a sociopath. It's getting caught that's a problem. Be a mad scientist. Write poetry. Be an artist. Plot world domination. Panthers make great pets. Mwhahahahahahahahahaha!! "You don't really own anything you can't carry on your back at a dead run." "There are two natural classes of predators in this country; the very poor, by circumstance, and the very rich, by training." "Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips?" Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. You should play the game for fun. The instant you find yourself playing for any other reason, you should rack it up and go on to something else.
When walking on thin ice you might as well dance Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before. I love the "swooshing" sound deadlines make as they go by. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke? Witches' Parking - All others Toad. The facts expressed here belong to everybody, the opinions to me. The distinction is yours to draw... If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter? If a man makes a statement in the forest and there isn't a woman around to hear him, is he still wrong? The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments.
Cows ride Space Shuttle - the herd shot round the world. Stone Age Minds with SPACE AGE tools... "Wreck the malls with cows on Harleys. Fa la la la la ... la la la la." "I've gone to look for myself. If I should return before I get back, keep me here!" "I would like to find the person who invented sex and see what she's working on now." "If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing." 4 food groups: Coffee, Chocolate, Pop-Tarts, and Sex. Boggles the foot, too, come to think of it. "Vini. Vidi. Caffi." --- "I came. I saw. I drank coffee." Elite people are less legible than pica people Only backwards can be spelled backwards 50% of my forefathers were female. A family reunion is an effective form of birth control. The difference between British and Americans is, Americans think a hundred years is a long time, and the British think a hundred miles is a long drive. (From Dave Barry, concerning deck building)
Branches from the nearby foliage, or geological specimens, may fracture my skeletal structure; however, inaccurate descriptions of my physical appearance, heritage or personality, cannot damage my psyche. Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector. An unemployed court jester is no one's fool. Two wrongs are only the beginning. Money can't buy love. But it CAN rent a very close imitation. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his butt so much. When I do not question that which I know to be true, it is then that I prepare myself to be deceived. I don't want justice and I don't want mercy;
People without signature files are so higly evolved that they can't be bothered with such things. If a Russian spams Usenet, do they send him to Cyberia? Most people want to be delivered from temptation but would like it to keep in touch. At first there was nothing. Then God said, "Let there be light!" and there was still nothing, but you could see it. Pessimist is the word optimists invented to describe realists. Esplanade: To attempt an explanation while drunk. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it. FREE PUPPIES:
There are only 11 kinds of people in the world:
You can safely assume you've created God in your own image when it turns out he hates all the same people you do. I don't necessarily agree with everything I say.
Brasington's Ninth Law: A carelessly planned project takes three times longer to complete than expected; a carefully planned one will take only twice as long. "It is absurd to divide people into good and bad. People are either charming or tedious."
"The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt."
A horse is a horse, of course, of course, |